Something that happened to me today:
After I picked up my son from school, he and I were driving to a local diner to grab a burger. Before we ate, he wanted to go to a nature center in our neighborhood. I love his heart. He can have such a rough day and be so angry, you can see it in his eyes. But when he gets in his element, you can see that in his eyes. The happiness. The passion. The blissful innocence. Nothing else matters than that moment.
When did we lose that? As adults, when did we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that we stopped enjoying those moments? we no longer went that extra mile because the view was better.
I am so thankful for my son for many reasons.
But mostly, he changed my life.
I was a type-A personality until very recently.
I was very detail orientated and had to control every aspect of the day. Otherwise, I would have a panic attack. I would be so pissed if something did not go as planned. I had my day scheduled. I had my appointments planned. I have our activities planned. I was very productive. I was very stressed. I was unpleasant to be around sometimes and frankly I was not happy. I thought I was most of the time. I knew the increased level of stress that this put on my heart and my life. I felt the emotional toll every day. But it didn't matter.
I knew that because his brain was different, there was absolutely no way HE would learn to conform to my personality. I had to change to fit his needs. It was easy for me. I knew I was changing for my son. To help him be more successful.
Looking back, I wish that more people in our world would have done that. I wish that more people would have atleast changed a couple things about their life. The closest people to us are just as selfish as ever, if not more so. It is heartbreaking when you think about it. On the other hand I am thankful they stay true. Its easy when we know that a person is a certain way. We can plan around it. And often times we just avoid them altogether!
During the time period when I was changing, some of my "friends" thought it was funny to joke about how flighty I appeared. How much I changed and was not reliable. How I move a lot and cant just be normal. At the time, I didn't think much of it. But after a few years, it really started to get to me. These are people that I had valued. They were friends of mine.
How could they not see the WHY behind my choices?
And that time period is where the pattern of loss continued. I lost jobs. I lost friends. I lost love. I lost faith in others. Granted, I did make these choices. I am responsible. I have no regrets in my choices. I made these choices in support of my son. I made these choices because I am a mom. The last 9 years of my life has been a lot of loss. There has been a lot of depression and anxiety. There has been a lot of growing and learning. Maybe from an outsiders view I appear flighty and unreliable. From the insiders view, I make the choice to avoid certain situations. I make moves to better our situation or atleast in attempt to prevent it from becoming worse.
Can someone really change their Personality? Not completely.
I am a lot more laid back and relaxed than I was. The last two years of my life have been so strange for me. I went on vacations with NO PLAN! I went on road trips with no bags packed. I drove hours and miles with no schedule. I just went. I LIVED. I had adventures. My son got to enjoy little things because we could. There was no rush to be there by 6. We just did whatever we wanted.
I still am structured and organized and live by a schedule, but I have redirected those traits to help my son. Because his brain needs that structure. He loves fun. He loves last minute road trips to the river. But by golly, if his schedule gets messed up we all pay for it! He has taught me so much in his 9 years.
My son has taught me patience: I am told often that I have more patience than most people. The special needs families have an abundance of patience. The "neurotypical" (NT) families do not. Its not something worthy of praise. Its something that is just done. You dont choose to be patient for your kids or not. You do it because its what is needed.
My son has taught me to be easy going. He taught me to go with the flow. I dont know how to explain this .. it will have its own blog post! But I shall try. Parents of NT kids traditionally dont change their personalities. They teach their kids their way. Whereas parents of non-NT kids do not always have that luxury. My sons brain works in a way that there is not a lot of successful traditional methods. HE has to have the schedule and the structure and the organization. If I were still so Type-A, this would not work well for us! I have to be able to change in a moments notice. I have to be flexible because my son is not.
My son has taught me to stop and enjoy the little things. Quite literally too. We joke and call it his Adhd. For the past 7 years, he has been rather consistent! We will be going about our business and he jump off of whatever he is on (bike, scooter, shoulders) to smell a flower, watch a rolly polly crawl, save a spider, catch a snake. He will stop going fast to lay on the concrete to watch life up close.
Which leads me back to ... what happened today.
He wanted to go to the nature center and watch nature. He wanted to be slow and focus on the little things. The struggles of the day. The stress of school. The amount of excessive sensory input that his brain and body received over the day. He did not have a meltdown today.
He was so excited when we pulled into the parking lot.
He ran to the door. Went straight in to the dinosaurs. Usually he would have ran up the stairs. To hurry and get to the top. But imagine a bride walking down the aisle. That slow march that seems to take forever.
That was my son.
Holy Moly.
But his face while we climbed the stairs.. every step was deliberate.
He was so happy. He was relaxed. He was calm. He was innocent.
We can walk negative snail speed any day!
These are the days we live for ...
... and then we had burgers!
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